V.I.C.I. the robot

When I rode Peter Pan recently, I noticed that the outside of the bus touted "Five Star Service."

All through my trip, I waited eagerly for the Five Star Service. But it never came.

I have made my way across Mexico several times on buses that offered more amenities¹ than Peter Pan. In fact, the only amenity aboard the Peter Pan bus was, unfortunately, the film Nutty Professor II: The Klumps.<sup>2

1</sup>A couple years ago, I took a bus through the Mexican states of Morelos and Guerrero that offered beverage service. I remember this particular ride well, since I woke up from a nap halfway through the trip to notice the Mexican Army boarding the bus and barking orders. It turned out the bus had been selected for a random security sweep. That was the last time I took a nap on a Mexican bus.

²On a trip with Marnie through Mexico's Yucatan and Quintana Roo states, we took a bus that aired episodes of Small Wonder, which was a terrible TV show in the 1980s that somehow lasted for four seasons and managed to convince someone to dub it into Spanish. Marnie appeared more than a little disturbed that I seemed to remember the show fondly. The next day, she agreed to marry me anyway.

She's not Puerto Rican

NEW YORK -- After watching Brooklyn comic Emily Epstein perform in the East Village, I gave her pointers on ordering the second-cheapest wine at a restaurant and how to properly carry it from the bar to the table.

Click here to see if she'll be performing near you. (Spoiler: she won't be, unless you live in New York.)

We meet at last

NEW YORK — I finally met Shawn, who has played the Snuffleupagus role for so long that I began to doubt his existence.

Abby & Shawn have a flat-screen HDTV, on which the Badgers have never lost when I've been watching. In fact, Wisconsin wins by an average of 26 points whenever I've watched with them.

Ads in the elevator

NEW YORK — Some people don't like being bombarded with advertisements. However, I like billboards and wish more things would drape themselves in ads.

Upon making my first trip to Abby's apartment on the Upper East Side, I fell in love with her elevator, which features a split-screen TV that displays the time and weather and has a running commercial for its captive audience.

Having to stand there for those commercials (and not being able to zap them with TiVo's 30-second-skip button) might annoy some people. But we've all seen what happens when I'm given time to think about things without distraction.

Cloudy and uncooked

Today's forecast says it will be "cloudy and raw."

Raw.

It's going to be raw.

Raw, in this case, means "unpleasantly damp and chilly."

I think I'm going to stay inside today.

I wish I had a monkey's paw

NEW YORK — Upon arriving here, I expected my friends to give me a unique taste of the city. Instead, they took me to a show headlined by familiar Wisconsin cabaret singer/songwriter Pat McCurdy.

I had seen this guy perform a hundred times, although admittedly never in a basement nightclub in Manhattan. Interestingly, the crowd at the Acme Underground knew all of McCurdy's songs and took over the stage to help him perform. An informal poll revealed that about 80 percent of the audience was from Wisconsin.

Below: Amanda laughs before taking the stage to help McCurdy with his song's visual cues.

Gem Spa's egg cream

NEW YORK — If you're looking for the city's best "egg cream," it is evidently waiting for you on 2nd Avenue in the East Village.

For those who don't know, the drink contains neither egg nor cream.

Leo insists that egg cream is a totally normal beverage and that everyone knows what it is. I contend that he is wrong on both counts.

The temptation of journalists

Click to enlarge.

A good deal for the Transfiguration Church next door

NEW YORK — There is no question that this is an expensive city. But there are a few pockets of town where the prices are so low that it makes me wonder how the businesses turn profits.

In Chinatown, there's a place called "Fried Dumpling" where the namesake product sells at a rate of five-for-a-buck (click the price list at the upper left to enlarge).

When faced with a two-hour wait for dim-sum at Ping's — as I was — a few 20-cent dumplings makes the wait a bit easier.

(As you can see below, there was a line at Fried Dumpling too, but the wait was closer to two minutes than two hours.)

Coriandoli

NEW YORK — Who doesn't enjoy a good confetti toss? The problem, as you can see below, is that a colorful celebration often leaves behind a colorful mess. Then again, I suppose it does mask the city's everyday littering problem.

Meanwhile, why do we call it "confetti"? After all, the Italian word for shredded paper thrown at celebrations is "coriandoli."

(Confetti is an Italian candy — almonds with a hard sugar coating. To partake in Chinese New Year celebrations that used Italian confetti, merrymakers would have to wear helmets to walk down the street.)

Year of the pig

NEW YORK — While taking a stroll through Chinatown over the weekend, I came to the following conclusion: the Chinese people really get excited about Presidents Day!

Sorry, Apex

On my last two trips from D.C. to New York City, I've taken Apex Bus. The lack of English speakers running the operation makes the adventure a bit sketchy, but Apex has always delivered me on time. And for a great price.

I was about to book my third trip on Apex last week when I noticed that Peter Ban Bus Lines and Greyhound have both decided to match Apex's $35 roundtrip fares.

Now, anyone who has taken Peter Pan or Greyhound knows that they aren't exactly luxury liners worthy of a higher price. But for the same price, I decided to go with the venerable Peter Pan.

Still, I felt like I was cheating on Apex. After all, Peter Pan is only offering the low fares to drive Apex out of business.

To ease my guilt, I will make this pitch:

Take Apex Bus. It is cheap and gets you there on time. Plus Apex's Chinatown location in New York is close to this great noodle place.

I'm back

The reaction to my hiatus was so flattering that I may take regular breaks to pump up my ego.

It was especially nice to learn that friends who I thought didn't read this page are in fact regular lurkers.

Anyway, I'm back and better than ever. Well, maybe not better than ever. But I'm at least aware that 89 percent of you agree on how to pronounce orangutan. And some of you know the official reasons why the U.S. Post Office does not allow people to mail frozen orangutans.

Well, I've run out of things to say

This site will be on hiatus until Feb. 20.

Better know a primate

How do you pronounce orangutan?

Please choose one of the followingo-rang-a-tango-rang-you-tanI've never uttered this word in my life

I give up

Lately, the post office requires its employees to ask a bunch of questions when someone sends a package. It goes like this:

Me: Hi, I'd like to mail this package, please.
USPS agent: Is there anything liquid, fragile, perishable or potentially hazardous?
Me: No.
USPS agent: Do you want delivery confirmation?
Me: No.
USPS agent: Do you need any stamps?
Me: No.

To avoid this back-and-forth, I tried last week to preempt the required line of questioning.

Me: Hi, I'd like to mail this package, please. There's nothing inside that is liquid, fragile, perishable or potentially hazardous. Also, I don't need delivery confirmation. Or extra stamps.
USPS agent: Is there anything liquid, fragile, perishable or potentially hazardous?
Me:
USPS agent: We're required to ask it, sir.

"I can't hear or see him — he must be innocent!"

In high school, I had a teacher who had interesting advice for people who were part of a media frenzy and didn't want their image on TV¹:

Give the camera the finger with both hands in front of your face while yelling a steady stream of swear words at the top of your lungs.

Implementing this plan, Mr. Keys reasoned, would force the networks to blur your image and bleep everything you say.

That tactic may have worked in previous decades², but it wouldn't work now. Major TV networks face certain FCC fines for airing such footage. But cable TV doesn't have the same worries. And neither does YouTube.

Come to think of it, the plan would probably make people appear more guilty than they were before. Interestingly, our class thought it was a great idea at the time.

Meanwhile, a news story published last month says Mr. Keys recently received the Hmong name "Wa Kee" and has joined a Hmong clan called the Vangs. I wonder if he's given the clan any advice on avoiding a media frenzy.

_______________
¹I have no idea how this advice came up in a classroom discussion. I doubt it was part of our lesson plan.
²Still, people contemplating risky behavior should not have relied on this plan as their lone safety net.

Is that a guitar in your shadow or are you just happy to be here?

AP photo printed without permission.

I was annoyed at the controversy over the Justin Timberlake & Janet Jackson Super Bowl halftime show in 2004. After all, what could be more "family friendly" than a naked breast? At the time I wrote:

"If people want to be up in arms about the Super Bowl halftime show, it should be about the whole event, not just the wardrobe malfunction. How will we explain breasts to children? Easy, as Michael Wilbon says: Hey, kid. That was a breast. But it is harder to help children account for Janet's dominatrix costume. The uncovered breast was probably the most pure and natural part of the event. Why aren't the so-called 'family values' folks more outraged that the theme of the event made a strip show blend in with such a smooth transition?"

In subsequent Super Bowls, the NFL has brought out "safer" halftime acts: Paul McCartney in 2005; the Rolling Stones in 2006; and Prince in 2007.

Prince put on a good show, despite a hairdo that made it look to Eric like he was "selling maple syrup." Meanwhile, Eric brought up another interesting point regarding the giant shadow of Prince's sexually suggestive stroking of his phallic guitar.

Did the media watchdogs find that part of the show to be family friendly?

Sunset on the Yellow Line

Marnie & I caught an amazing sunset on the Metro the other day. By the time I thought to whip out the camera, though, it was mostly too late. Oh well.

The 7th-annual Arlington Invitational

Click the picture to see more from this year's Arlington Invitational touch-football game, held each year on Super Bowl Sunday.

Grammar nit-pick

Applebee's slogan, "eatin' good in the neighborhood," should be eating well in the neighborhood. But that doesn't rhyme, of course.

I offer the following alternatives:

• "Eating well? It's hard to tell"
• "Eating well, and you don't have to yell"
  
• "Eating well, unlike in hell"
• "Eating well, it's an easy sell"
• "Eating well, just ring our bell"
• "Eating well, just call our cell"
• "Eating well, just ask Mel"

Meral klebokl el ues

(Click to enlarge)

HOUSTON — Here at George Bush Intercontinental Airport¹, Continental Airlines has a giant billboard touting its service to six cities around the world: Beijing, Palau², Rome, New York, Buenos Aires and Roatan.

I wonder if Palau made the cut because of its notoriety from "Survivor: Palau" on CBS. Or maybe it was because Continental needs to drum up business for a destination that takes 24 hours to get to from the East Coast. But it was nice to see Palau get some pub.

_________
¹The term "intercontinental" sure sounds impressive. Josh says it's a Texas thing. Still, I think small regional airports should start calling themselves "intracontinental" airports.

²Palau is not a city, of course. But while few people have ever heard of the Republican of Palau, even fewer know of its capital city of Melekeok (population 391) or Koror (the city Continental actually services).